Monday, August 07, 2006

T Shirt Quotes

One tequila two tequila three tequila floor !

If you're not interested in oral sex, keep your mouth shut !

On Your Mark. Get Set. Go Away !

God made Man before Woman because you always make the rough draft before the final masterpiece !

I'm not anti social, society is anti me !

You are just jealous that the voices talk to me and not you !

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"

"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN......Cops have nothing to go on."

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."

"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

Learning To Be Funny

Learning To Be Funny

For some people, being funny can be a bit of a challenge. As a matter of fact, I used to be one of them. When I would try to tell a joke that wasn't made up by someone else, people would look at me with an expression that said, "Would you like... a straight jacket!?!"

Most humor contains an element of surprise. One way to create this is putting things together that don't go together. This could be as simple as something like: "I wanted to go girl hunting tonight, but I ran out of ammo." Words that can have more than one meaning are especially helpful for making or writing jokes.

Some words are inherently funny. Using words like booger, fart, and poop can make people laugh even when you aren't trying to make a joke. If you put them together in ways they shouldn't be. Imagine a comic book superhero called the Amazing Farting Booger.

Most jokes also contain a part that is believable. A comic book superhero is believable. A farting booger isn't. Another example of jokes having a portion that is believable:

“The other day my brother was playing with his dog, Duke, when he decided to relieve himself on the floor. I suppose that could be understandable. It's been years since my brother was potty trained.”

Humor often requires a buildup of tension. The story behind the punch line of a joke is as important as the punch line itself. I'm sure you've probably noticed how many jokes use 3 of something. (“Three construction workers were....” or “A horse, a fish, and a monkey...”) Using threes when making jokes is a great way of building the appropriate amount of tension. Twos don't seem to build enough tension, and fours don't seem to build enough.

While being funny can be a bit of a challenge, it is something that can be learned. If it doesn't come naturally, it could take some effort, and a lot of practice. Learning to be funny might be hard work for some of us, but what could be more fun than working hard at being funny?

Visit my website: ButchCrassidy's Jokes or signup for the ButchCrassidyJokes.com email newsletter by sending a blank email to newsletter-subscribe@butchcrassidyjokes.com

About the Author

Copyright 2005 Bryan Brewster
This article can be reprinted on websites and in ezines as long as a link to the website butchcrassidyjokes.com and the ButchCrassidyJokes.com email newsletter subscription address newsletter-subscribe@butchcrassidyjokes.com is included at the end. To contact the author, send an email to webmaster@butchcrassidyjokes.com

Family Guy - Biography Of Peter Griffin.

Family Guy - Biography Of Peter Griffin.

Peter Griffin is one of the funniest, probably the most important characters in the cartoon animation series of 'Family Guy'. He is a Nice, Funny, Fat ass character, who is not afraid of spreading the word of his mind in to the world and change everybody's world. Peter's mind is 2X smaller then Homer Simpson and he is 2X fatter then Homer. He has no idea what he is doing or where he is. If it wasn't for Louis, his wife he would be out of his job, his house and would have no life. He does many stupid things that homer wouldn't. He always makes mistakes in his life and loses everything but later says 'Sorry' and gets back with his family. He has a very strange mind and thinks of easy steps to do his tasks, which he ends up messing up. He is lazy to go to work and instead wants to become the prime minister or own a country or have another strange idea in his mind. He is always trying to find new ways for his son 'Chris' to lose weight. He advises his daughter 'Meg' to socialize with people in school and find new friends. He is kind and gentle with the Evil Stewie, who calls him a fat man. He is a good friend of 'Brian', his talking dog who always advises peter when he needs help and gets help from peter when he has any problems. Peter was in love with his wife 'Louis', when they first saw each other. He never expected to be married to a girl from a Rich family like: Louis, but Louis was kind enough to give him a chance and marry him but then she had to give a lot more chances because of his stupid mistakes.

Peter is a nasty and dirty man, He is the nastiest person alive in his town. He likes to hangout with his friend and drink beer, who he has been with him most of his childhood and even before that when peter's grand parents and his friend's grand parents were alive. In one Episode Peter reveals that his 14th grand parent was a Black Man, so he join the Black community, where his idea of Blackism doesnt work and he soon gets kicked out. Peter does many things with his pals through out the series, He parties with them, Joins the Army with them, Fights them, Suspects them and even goes on war with them. He is very happy and gentle with 'Cleveland', The Black Friend of peter, who asks peter for help when he suspects his wife is cheating with 'Quagmire', the family guy pimp and asks peter to make him a man. Quarmire, the lady's man in family guy is always hittin on woman, even peter's wife 'Lious'. He is not afraid of reaching woman and is always first to help a woman in danger in case of help.He drugs many woman during the series but was never successfull. Joe, Peter's handicaped friend who is still in the army, is always trying to protect the city but is challanged with peter sometimes when he does stupid things. Joe has a army type of personality and is strict with his rules. Peter meets many more characters during the series and they all have the same views about peter. Peter has been overweight from 14 generations with the same kind of hair style and looks. Chris, his son will keep this generation of being overweight for the enxt generation.

Peter does many stupid and bizzarre things during the series, Almost every suffering and pain suffered by the Griffins is because of peter. He is happy on his couch watching his favorite show or the news on his stolen cable with Brian and will do anything to stop his favorite show from closing down. He always tries to learn new ways of making money without working and also tries many scams which he regrets. He runs from Death and even becomes death itself in a episode, where he had to kill his family. Peter always has new ideas for improving the Grifin's lifes and become more popular or even a star, Mostof the times 'Lious', his wife would show him the right away and would lead him through his problems or he would have lost his life. He always tries to do something right and ends up doing the opposite and brining pain to every body. Brian, peter's talking dog calls peter a pain in the ass and advises him to do everything the right way and stay away from trouble. Peter always realizes his mistakes at the end of the show and promises not to make this mistake again, which he forgets in 2 seconds. Life and death doesnt mean anything to him, he might play with death at any time and barely survives. Peter is always concerned about his weight and tries to lose weight in many episodes, where he some how gets his weight back and knows that he is not meant to be skinny. Peter misses recognizing danger or read danger signs and ends up putting himself in danger or life threat. He needs constant watch and someone to look after him or he will lose his life. He gets fired from his work many times because of his stupid mistakes and the danger he has caused. Peter is a easy believer, He would believe every small thing people or signs will tell him, even if its testing the new death shots or a sign telling him to jump off the bulding. Peter is brainless and is in lack of thinking or using his mind. He barely uses 1% of his mind. He makes his decisions fast with no real idea behind them which causes a big trouble for him. He is good with socializing people and talking about stuff people already know or not interested to know. He has lack of sense for others and takes alot longer to understand the truth behind something, He always thinks of himself before his family and friends and is reminded by his wife 'Lious' about the right path. Regret is a normal thing for peter, every decision and step he has taken which turns into disaster ends with regret to his family and friends. His family and friends are so tired of his sorries that it means nothing to them.

About the author:

WebFunnyjokes.com (http://www.webfunnyjokes.com< /a>) is a new humor website which includes funny jokes,funny news, humor and much more. visit them here

Anecdotes and the Sharp Wit of a Teacher Poet Thinker

Anecdotes and the Sharp Wit of a Teacher Poet Thinker

Anecdotes and Wisdom, Wit, Humor, Satire, Quotes, Jokes of the late witty Orhan Seyfi Ari

Fedai, Halkin Sesi -27 Dec. 92

“… He always wore a smile...”

In his articles little stories, jokes, humor, satire, made witty teacher thinker poet Orhan Ari’s [died 1992] points social, intellectual, political, spiritual, philosophical.

Diplomatic communiques were like broadcasting live on the radio a match between two boxers Abdi and Bandinelli, and announcing the winner as Abdinelli…

World’s troubles.. asthmatics’d become deep sea divers.

Never too late to change one’s mind, to make a start?! A driver rolling down a cliff deciding to drive carefully!?

Ignorant we all were -some, even of their ignorance...

Irrelevancy was a natural common refuge of man ~”You’ve gone bald!” he joked with a friend who responded, “Ha! As if your son’s got more hair than I!”

Perseverance was a matter of whether one had a better purpose than a rope denting the stone of a well or will stronger than little delicate plants’ shooting, growing, through cracks of concrete country pavements.

Whined a friend “Missed my train.. only five minutes late!” He said “You’d’ve also if you were 5 seconds late.”

Referendums often asked if the patient preferred the blanket to cover the feet by exposing the behind.

Evolution.. “we were apes”.. weren’t we, now, ‘man’!?

Reincarnation.. whoever died first would inform the other ~one died -a bird flew in through the window -”My friend –letting me know” reasoned the other.

Justifications of some reminded of a teenager he’d given a booklet: ‘smoking kills early.’ He was shown a newspaper: an old man was a smoker.

Relationships were like using a mirror: could one make faces expecting to see a smiling image?

Avoidance of issues often was avoidance of embarrassment ~”Why’s that?” asks the child –the parent replies “Oh look, a bird.. flying!”

Skill was in building things –any fool could wreck them...

Spiritual concern needless? Babies in wombs not knowing what next did consider needless limbs...

Cheap goods to buy only the wealthy could afford.

Strength didn’t necessarily suffice ~”I am a boxer!” threatened one –the other laughed “I am a

runner!..”

Importance was relative ~a farmer’d talked on sowing, reaping –a farm boy bragged “Exactly 99 flies sat on our cow as he talked –I was counting them.”

Society the individuals comprised of ~but each lamb at the abattoir hung by its own legs.

Obedience had to be understood the reason for, else it backfired ~”Musn’t practise drums without asking!” parent told child practising during siesta –child woke parent up to ask if could...

Assumption that what didn’t glitter wasn’t gold, not of value? Like platinum –even rarer, more precious!?

Explanations of some were like a co-op shop saying a folding fan broke because it was fanned, or ant repellent should be put into ants’ eyes.

Politics external were like a native saying “Hurry up” and an alien responding “Harry no up –is downstairs.”

God perhaps did not exist -but what if He did..?!

Elixir.. cure for all ailments, people bought well ~the tank emptied –it was refilled with tap water.

Clean would a missionary who’d not heard of nonwhites a black boy ~and scraped the boy’s skin off...

Brave.. criticising cowards –a bang was heard, all took cover, later worrying where he was –eventually he appeared: “Pooh, that frightened y’all..!?”

Test another to, they asked “Can you think of a word that’s shorter than but sounds like ‘sugar’?” -were told “Sure” ~asked “What is it, then..?”

Better than a dog that’s bit one.. by getting on all fours to bite it back!?

Life said someone was like a glass of wine, many applauded ~one asked “I don’t see how?” -was told “Well.. perhaps it isn’t, then.”

Talent another’s had –one’s own wasn’t exactly Rin-Tin-Tin, the acting dog, was it?! How true.. that was trained!

Popularity was also smile –vinegar merchant’s smile brought more customers than honey merchant’s frown.

About The Author

EOA UK

The above recollected anecdotes represent in their rather less complex ways the sharp wit of the late Orhan Seyfi Ari which he was also popular for -more are included in a, also copyright free, photo biography of him in quotes and verse on the following web site: http://www.geocities.com/eoa_uk/index.htm